hmmmz..... juz saw a testimonial from *him*..... think he had saw my blog le.... juz hope wat he mentioned in the testi will be true... I wuN giVe uP oN *U*...... noT nOw!! i ProMisEd
This is life@
1:59 PM
♥Saturday, September 17, 2005
hohoho..... i finalli finished my CME project 10 mins ago!! got something to hand it le!! then elizabeth tan will not scold hehez... so long dint post le..... holiday is going to over le... tomolo sch will reopen liao!! hohohoho so sad... but aniwae.... my holiday is equal to no holiday!! so it doesn't matter to mi... wat matters to mi most now is three more weeks then final yr exam le... haiz... i heaven started studying... but classmates around mi had already started... they so damn hardworking.... i m worried... but i m lazy by nature... anione got ani gd way of letting oneself not to be lazy?? muz teach mi if u all noe!! haiz....
i wanna get gd grades at end of yr.... i m not satisfied wif juz an A1 when everyone around mi had at least 2 As.... haiz... i wonder where all my As had gone.... i realli dunno wat can i do to bring them back.....
FAN arh.... i feel that stress is coming back... and is coming back wif double force.... haiz.... but its a gd thing that council there had not much thing to do recently... aniwae.... CO is going to hav a lunch time concert on 8/11 orh.... hehez.... aniwae..... mi playing a solo piece on that day... haiz worri worri worri..... i m a very very very easy then will get nervous de person... if anithing crop up that day i will die XP!!! aniwae..... the song doesn't seem to be easy too... but i nid to study nehz... how m i going to cope?? opps... die die die.... wahahhaha..... think i m going mad... lao shi going to listen abit nxt week i think so... hehez.... so wish mi gd luk orhz....
Abt him?? I m realli realli realli very very very fed up abt him.... so fed up that i already xin hui yi leng le.... aniwae.... i dun wish to think abt that animore liao... so sianz and tire thinking abt him... him.... and him..... haiz.... i realli dunno whether he understands wat m i thinking abt anot.... i felt that i m not treated correctly by him.... i realli dunno wat m i to him.... i want to salvage the relationship but how to when we dint quarrel or anithing... haiz....
Ding Dong Ding Dong... Aniwae... my macdonald had juz arrived.... going to eat my dinner liao... that's enouf for tonight? hehez... buaiz buaiz
[thinking abt u make mi feel very very tire]
[i hope u can find out the way of treating mi correctly....]
[i once tot that u will be my everything....]
[i once tot that i will not be hurt again]
[are ur promises juz for the sake of promising??]
[if u forget everything.... pls find it back then come and find mi]
[i still dun want to give up now..... but its up to u... realli]
This is life@
8:52 PM
♥Sunday, September 11, 2005
To My Dearest Friend:
HOhohoho.... today someone bd nehz... hmmz... hope u enjoy the video put up by the wu liao san ren zhu!!! hahaz.... 15 yrs ago today..... a gal was borned..... Ng Say Lay?? hahaz... yep think so... help mi thanks ur mum for giving birth to u...... Someone that had already became part of my life... hahaz... think i m a very emotional person nehz.. hahaz.... realli hope u will be happy... i give all my blessing to u k?? gd luk my friend..... if u can catch mi if i fall..... i think i will try to lessen ur load by trying not to fall bahz... hahaz.... last but not least!! HAPPY BD!!!! when i finished figuring out how to play the song on piano i will play it!! hahaz....
-end of message-
hahaz.... such a pity today laylay go out wif hh... but its okie la..... they missed their anni.... aniwae..... i juz read my blog entries... i felt that i m full of hatred(i had juz told yulin that...) hahaz.... juz hope that i will be back to normal soon..... hahaz.... a person full of hatred will nv be happy.... but in contracy.... i wanna to be happy.... thanks to the smilez of wenyao!! hahaz... thanks yao jiejie!!! I noe i m not alone k....
today went to sch late again... hahaz..... but luckily there were still enouf time for mi to finish my reading test... hahaz.... hope tml i will not be late for my A maths lesson... haiz... till now i m still trying to get the a maths txtbk... hope i can get 1... I m so damn stupid to forget to take it back home man!!! ARHHHHH... my chem also inside..... haiz..... I WANT TO STUDY HARD!!! I VOWED!!!! i nid to buck up on so mani subjects lo.... haiz... physics... cannot make it..... chem... also going to die soon.... pure geo.... juz pass grade.... chinese..... i mentioned b4.... eng... suprisingly this time better than my chi.... A maths... my onli A1.... e maths.....will try to buck up on it..... combined humans... lucki i dint failed it again....
overall... my result..... in a way not bad as i dint flunk ani.... but.... haiz..... my class is realli too competitive... so stress..... i realli scare i cannot cope... but i dun wish to drop.... i will try to hold on..... i will jia you de!!! may god bless mi!!!
hahaz.... now mi go eat dinner le.... then study later.... hehez... buaiz buaiz!!!
[if i can lead a "stressless" life.... i m desperate for such life]
[ppl say certain right amout of stress can be another form of motivation, so i hope it can motivate mi]
[life is not always a bed of roses]
[muz noe how to cherish ur loved one, ur best friends......]
[glad that i still had not lost all of myself]
[if u fall, stand up by urself, learn to be independant. One nid to grow up]
[its other ppl mouth that talks, its urself that control ur own destiny]
This is life@
8:02 PM
♥Wednesday, September 07, 2005
WOooooo..... today morning i went back to sch.... those ppl who go for the ngee-ann ploy thingy are supposed to gather at 8:00am... as usual... i took a cab to sch.... i had been relying on cab to bring mi to sch... think i will sooner or later go bankrupt... after all ppl are there, we went up to the bus and set off for ngee ann poly.... The competition was somehow interesting.... learn more things from each grps... There are realli gd presenters.... Our class got merit... but its already considered not bad le... at least we made it to the top 12(finals)...... GD JOB(to sarah, mimi, tham tham and jolene)
After the competition we went back to sch.... they went to long john silver to eat.... and i joined them... though... for half an hour... coz i had to been dia and may to shop for laylay's present... i think this present will be the most unique and special present for her.... something that is dead meaningful.... Hope lay will be happy with our present... and hope that this "metal" gal can be touched... hehez... 3 more days to her bd..... hmmz.....
We went to ps then we went to j8...... it was a suffer!!! we wanted to go to j8 from ps, but we got on the wrong mrt train.... then after one stop we had to get out.... this situation repeats for abt 2 or 3 times.... dunno wat's wrong wif us today... hahaz... so "cute" man...... hahaz.... funnie....
Hahaz.... i always had the thought of whether i wanna go back to single whenever i m free and can think watever i wanna think... but the topic i think will always surround him... or classmates... sometimes even lay, may, dia..... haiz... i m perplexed.... i dunno wat will happen in the future... i m no longer confident that this race can continue, can last..... We had no interaction at all and i felt that we are more of strangers...... than couple.... this is a very very very weird senerio.... i also dunno wat's wrong wif him..... i realli dunno..... is he too shy or wadever..... but i dun care.... i m already fed up.... i dun wanna give myself hope and end up disappointing myself.... everytime i think abt him i cannot focus on other things...... even if it means that i wun finished my homework within my time set.... i hope i could still have some self-control over myself... i dun feel like mi... I had to wear my mask infront of my classmates... i also dunno when i m true and when i m not.... its realli hard to get a gd friend in 3e2...... hard....... right now... i juz wanna focus on my studies... i wanna get gd grades and passed my o's with flying colour... i hope i can get a maximum of 12 marks(L1R5 i mean).... i will study hard de.....
No matter wat happen in the future.... YILING WILL STILL BE YILING.... nth will change... i can recover fast i believe..... i m still in the process of consideration..... haiz.... aniwae... this is life.... and i had to learn how to cope with it... i noe more things and more pressure will come up.... but how much it come i will take in how much....
Still got another matter... i suppose most of my friends noe wat's going on between my parents yrs ago.... my father had lost his contact with us for several yrs... recently... my mum saw him nearby marine terrace and i think they did tok..... My father is a useless bum man.... though i noe i m not suppose to say that.... but...... he is realli a super super super irresponsible man... if i were to bring sufferings to my mother... i rather i m not borned..... i feel that i m a burden to my mother..... haiz.... dun care so much le... so wat if my dad comes back?? i m still wat i m... my life will not change..... no matter whether he wanna take back custody anot... he can't... coz we are big enouf to make our own decision... he decided to be heartless first to abandon us..... so he cannot blame us for anithing that we do to him in the future..... i m learning from him!!! He reaps wat he sows...... this is retribution..... I rather he dun appear..... life had been peaceful... and i hope things will continue to go on smoothly.....
[even if life had too mani hurdles for mi, i will juz continue to run faster and jump higher to cross over them one by one]
[when there's a will, there's a way]
[no matter i m single or watever..... i m still who m i, this is a fact that will remain unchanged]
[i wanna be myself.... i dun want to wear a mask that dun suits mi]
This is life@
12:24 AM
♥Sunday, September 04, 2005
TOday is the last day of sch!! indeed it was..... and it was also Ms Ho's last day in beatty... i so damn sad... almost cried..... but i succeeded in holding them back la.... Ms Ho.... hmmmz a very gd teacher i think.... hope there are still chances of her comin back... though is ji hui miao mang... haiz sad arh..........
hmmmmz....... juz found out that ms ho's chinese name is liyi... i noe all along that her name is HLY hehez... special... coz my one is HYL!!! lucki her name not lingyi.... is liyi!!! hahaz.... Haiz... next monday to fri i nid to go to sch... MY HOLIDAY= NIL!!! wat's this man... i dun even noe i had time to revise anot... crap crap crap
My Schedule for nxt week
Mon: Physics remedial, 9am - 12pm
CO, 11am - 2 pm(onli can be there from 12 to 2...)
Tues: Flag Day(for CIP hours).... Time(i think i forget the time le:P)
Wed:Reading Test, 9am - 9:30am
SS enrichment course, 9:30am - 12pm
Thurs: SS enrichment course, 9:30am - 12pm
CO, 2pm - 5:30pm
Fri: CO, 2pm-5:30pm
Sat: I think got something on too.... but forget is wat liao lehz... opps....
See.... that's the end of my holidays..... I m so damn busy!!! then still dunno council bbq when loz.... hahahz.... cannot say much le.... gtg sleep... tomolo still muz watch the repeat of the superstar!! hehezzzz
[if keeping myself busy allows mi to forget other unhappy things.... i rather all my 24 hrs are used up]
[if its this case.... i will hav no time to think abt other things]
This is life@
11:38 PM
♥Friday, September 02, 2005
I juz dun feel like myself these few days..... i m UNHAPPY.... UNHAPPY with everyone, with everything.... and i dun even noe why i m like that..... I feel that i m on the bringe of breakdown.... I M NOT HAPPY!!! And i had nowhere to vent out.... My results suk..... MY CHINESE GOT 50/100.... MY CHINESE!!! HOW CAN THAT BE!!!! I M SO FED UP WITH MY CHINESE..... I DUN EVEN NOE WAT HAPPEN.... I ONLI NOE WHEN I BRING MY RESULTS BACK HOME I M SURE TO RECEIVE A VERY VERY VERY LONG-TERM NAGGING FROM MY FAMILY... EVERYONE OF THEM..... THEN THEY WILL SAY I FOCUSED TOO MUCH ON CO, ON COUNCIL..... THEN I CANNOT FOCUS ON MY STUDIES..... I ALREADY NOE HOW TO MEMORISE WAT THEY WILL BE SAYING..... I HATE IT WHEN I CANNOT GET GD RESULTS LIKE MY OTHER CLASSMATES..... I DUNNO WAT'S WRONG WIF MI.... I REALLI DUNNO..... I M SO STRESSED UP RECENTLY.... THOUGH LEADERSHIP SERIES AND TEACHERS' DAY ARE FINALLI OVER..... I DUN WANT TO DROP TO COMBINE SCI.... I DUN WANNA DROP PURE GEO.... BUT THE MORE I WANNA STUDY... THE MORE I WANNA DO WELL.... THE MORE I CAN'T!!! WHY I CANNOT....... WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY...... I REALLI FEEL LIKE CRYING...... JUZ FOR ONCE...... EVEN HIM..... I REALLI DUN UNDERSTAND.... WHY CAN'T HE JUZ BE A NORMAL GUY..... WHY CAN'T HE JUZ TREAT MI BETTER...... I HAD BEEN WANTING TO SAY THIS MATTER FOR A VERY LONG TIME... BUT I BEAR WIF IT... I DINT WANNA SAY..... BUT I CANNOT HOLD IT ALREADY, ITS TOO HEAVY.... ITS TIME TO DEPOSIT MY SENDIMENTS!!!
A few weeks ago..... he told mi that some people in our class were not happy with mi... and they told him that i said their bad things to someone else..... I realli dun understand those ppl.... are they so free and had nth to do....... I DUN EVEN NOE WAT BAD THINGS I HAD SAID ABT THEM.... I REALLI HAD NO IDEA..... EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT HAPPY WIF MI THEY COULD JUZ TELL MI OR TELL OTHER PPL.... BUT WHY TELL HIM??? WHY??? IS THIS SUPPOSE TO BE TIAO BO LI JIAN??? I DUN UNDERSTAND AND I DUNNO..... I REALLI HOPE THAT IF THOSE PPL SEE MY BLOG STOP DOING THIS TO ME..... I tot that i had been treating everyone with the correct attitude that i m supposed to be treating them... i cannot stop those ppl from hating mi or disliking mi...... but i feel hurt..... HE TOLD MI TO WATCH MY MOUTH IN THE FUTURE..... TO BE CAREFUL WHEN I M TALKING.... I TOLD HIM THAT I DUN EVEN NOE WAT I SAID..... THEN HOW CAN I CHANGE??? BUT HE DIE ALSO DUN WANNA TELL MI WHO ARE THOSE PPL WHO TELL HIM THAT I SAID THEIR BAD THINGS...... HE SAID HE PROMISED THOSE PPL NOT TO TELL..... BUT I DUN UNDERSTAND AGAIN.... SOMETIMES I REALLI FEEL LIKE ASKING HIM ARE THOSE PROMISES MORE IMPORTANT??? MY ATTITUDE REALLI GOT PROBLEM MAH??..... I REGARD THOSE PPL IN MY CLASS AS FRIENDS..... I DINT REALLI SAY BAD THINGS ABT THEM.... FOR THIS FEW WEEKS.... I HAD BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO COULD HAVE TOLD HIM... BUT I REALLI HAD NO IDEA..... ALL MY CLASSMATES ARE SO NORMAL TOWARDS MI.... I REALLI CANNOT SENSE WHO HATED MI SO MUCH..... OR MAYBE I M NOT AWARE.... MY AWARENESS IS NOT ENOUF.....
I DUN EVEN DARE TO TELL LAY, MAY, DIA..... I SCARE LATER THEY WILL GO AND BOTHER HIM AND SAY THINGS TO HIM...... THOUGH I NOE THEY ARE CONCERN ABT MI..... AND I REALLI NID THEM...... BUT I JUZ HAD NO TIME TO TELL THEM... I ONLI TOLD THEM I M NOT HAPPY.... BUT I DINT TELL THEM WAT HAPPEN...... I TOLD THEM THAT I HAD NOT MUCH FRIENDS IN MY CLASS..... BUT THEY DUN BELIEVE MI.... SO HOW M I GOING TO BRING MYSELF TO TELL THEM....
BECOZ OF THE JOBS I HAD TO DO IN COUNCIL...... I REALLI HAD NO TIME TO ACCOMPANY THEM AGAIN RECENTLY..... I WANTED TO JOIN THEM IN EVERYTHING THEY DO.... BUT I CANNOT.... WHY EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE AGAINST ME??? WHY??? CAN ANIBODY TELL MI.....
I M STILL RUNNING IN THE RACE..... BUT I FEEL TIRE..... I DUNNO HOW LONG THE RACE WILL LAST.... THOUGH I HOPE WE CAN CONTINUE RUNNING AND NOT STOP.... BUT I CANNOT TELL HIM HOW I FEEL.... HE ONLI NOES TO TELL MI TO INTERACT MORE WITH MY CLASSMATES.... BUT M I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT EVEN IF I DUN FEEL LIKE THAT...... IN MY CLASS..... THE CLASS THAT I USED TO LIKE VERY VERY MUCH.... BUT WHY MUZ THIS HAPPEN???
[I dunno what had happen to me....]
[I dunno what is going on.....]
[I need a shoulder.....]
[I need lay, dia and may]
[I am worried that I will fall.... at anytime, and at anywhere]
[I M ON THE BRINGE OF BREAKDOWN]
This is life@
4:21 PM
♥Thursday, September 01, 2005